But... chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast!

We celebrated my birthday with a fancy meat dinner: charcuterie, meatball clouds, steak and, yes, desserts. Plural. Chocolate mousse profiteroles and moist toffee pudding cake. All portion sizes were reasonable, except the charcuterie platter. That was a meal in itself (two, actually. We ate the leftovers for lunch the next day).

Valentine dinner is deliciously primal, though: Lavender-and-Thyme Roast Duck with Roasted Butternut Squash and Kale Chips.

The bread was more breadlike than I anticipated, but was sweet and tasted of coconut flour (which is a different flavor than coconut). I don't know that the bread would be good for sandwiches, but it's great for... French toast!

I sliced the bread, dipped in an egg/coconut milk/vanilla/touch of honey mixture, and pan-fried in bacon grease (left in the pan after I cooked up a package of bacon). Voila! Breakfast dinner:


Coconut French toast, bacon, soft-boiled eggs. And the stuff on top of the French toast? Leftover toast batter.

Yum!

The grocery store wasn't much help (we came home with a tin of anchovies, dried apricots, a dark chocolate candy bar and some diet soft drinks. You know, the essentials). We did pass a restaurant that was open (!) and stopped in to thaw a bit and savor a pizza and beer.

I know, I know. What did I just say? Just yesterday, I was so grumpy because I can't get control of my diet, and here I am eating pizza and beer. Ah, well. They were both spectacular.

I made my favorite pound cake during the last snow storm (in December, before My Paleo Year began). I feel a strong urge to get it the kitchen and bake delicious non-Paleo treats. I'm really not sure how to spend my snow weekend, if I can't spend it baking delicious treats...

I did make another batch of the Sweet & Salty Granola today. (That's what the dried apricots from the grocery store were for). And we're having Primal coconut pancakes with bacon and eggs for dinner tonight.

I've been cruising the paleo/primal recipe sites for the last hour or so, and have a stack of recipes that may satisfy my desire to bake and keep within the limitations of the diet. Fingers crossed!

I had trouble falling asleep last night, and even greater trouble waking up this morning. I spent most of the day avoiding the chocolate's allure, but after dinner, I thought I'd take a little nip, just a taste of the dark chocolate, and ended up eating until my belly aches.

Mark Sisson says dark chocolate is OK; he even lists it first among sensible vices. But I cannot be trusted to be in the vicinity of chocolate. I need a restraining order.

Willpower never used to be a problem for me. I could keep a large box of scrumptious dark chocolate truffles in the house and limit myself to just one per day. Sometimes I even forgot about them! I recently read an article that suggested that willpower is a finite resource. We have only so much of it available each day, and once we use it up, that's it. I don't quite believe it is that simple, but I do agree that stress and daily demands tend to wear down even the best of intentions.

I had hoped to nail down my new diet this month, and turn my focus to other aspects in February, but I can see that I'm not ready to "coast" on this diet yet. I lost eight pounds in the first three weeks of the diet. Since I discovered the chocolate (two days ago), I've gained two back. This isn't really a big deal, but it illustrates how a small setback (the baby pound cakes) easily turns into a delicious downward spiral into sugar addiction.

So, rubbing my aching belly, I mustered tremendous fortitude and threw out the chocolate. Gasp! Knowing the depravity I am capable of when in the desperate throes of sugar craving, I knew it wasn't safe just to gingerly place the chocolate in the trash can. No, I mixed it in with the cat litter and marched it down the hallway to the trash chute. It was the only way I could save myself.

I have a bin of special flavorings, extracts, liquors, flavored sugars, paper truffle cups and bags and boxes for packaging. Even a special truffle-dipping tool! Everything I need, except the inspiration and ability to eat the truffles.
Sigh.

So, what to do? The chocolate will "bloom" if I don't use it (eventually). It was quite spendy, so I don't want to throw it away, or even give it away. I really, really, really want to eat it. I've been sitting at my desk all day, just two rooms away, thinking of all that delicious chocolate sitting on the shelf, wrapped prettily in red shiny bags with gold ties.

I wouldn't be surprised if my chocolate-thoughts slipped out into some of the emails I sent today.

"I received your creamy registration." "Thanks for your smooth." "Please let me know if I can help you with any chocolate."

I can't concentrate with it in the house. I won't be able to sleep tonight, either. But I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Guess I'll have to eat it, and hate myself for it.

...except that pound cake is not primal/Paleo. (I did make the wonderful discovery that replacing the shortening with coconut oil yields a lighter-texture pound cake without altering the buttery flavor, but the flour and sugar still make this a no-no).

I baked two pound cakes this week, so had two baby cakes that I was able to resist for about ten minutes. This setback derailed my diet for the next day and roused my sweet tooth. Going sugar free is really difficult. "They" say that after a while, I'll lose my sweet tooth. I hope so, but I'm doubtful. Even a little slip-up wakens the slumbering sugar monster within.

We lucked into some reservations for dinner at Cafe Atlantico on Tuesday night. This is restaurant week, and the restaurant had a prix fixe menu that included an appetizer, entree and dessert.

We started with guacamole prepared tag-team tableside. I ate most of my portion with a fork, but did try one overloaded tortilla chip. I never noticed before what a nice nutty saltiness the tortilla chip adds. Such subtleties are overshadowed by the shoveling approach to appetizers.

Appetizer:

Me: Roasted Beet Salad (seasonal organic baby beets, oranges, cotija cheese, sherry vinaigrette)

Chris: Tuna Ceviche (coconut milk, avocado)

Entree:

Me: Grilled Flat Iron Steak (creamy whipped potatoes, green beans, porcini mushrooms, wine reduction)

Chris: Duck Confit (parsnips, dried cherries, fresh herbs, almonds, horseradish yogurt)

Dessert (yes, we ate dessert!):

Me: Mango sorbet

Chris: Molton Chocolate Cake (banana cream, bananas)

Dinner was fantastic, and especially so because our table was on the edge of the 3rd story of the dining room, overlooking the kitchen. I had a nice perch from which to watch the chefs prepare, taste and plate food. Everyone was so relaxed and fluid, carefully navigating narrow passageways between flames, sharps and delicately balanced edible creations. It made me nostalgic for cooking school and cooking.

I've been primal for only three weeks, and had a few cheats already, so I have not developed a highly sensitive insulin response. But three weeks of being 90% sugar free has made me sensitive to sugar. I thrashed around in bed all night, with too much energy to sleep. Those desserts may very well have been worth a sleepless night.

Big eating today = excess energy.

I'm trying to decrease my intake of Omega-6, but my nut-heavy diet is not helping. There have been many days last week where I ate only nuts during the day, and then a normal dinner. (Well, except last night, when Chris was skiing and I was on my own for dinner. I ate roasted nuts and a hunk of Parmesan. Not good.) I'm still figuring out this diet.

So... this weekend, I fired up my new dehydrator and made some beef jerky (Beef Jerky Snackdown has begun!). I'm dehydrating some wild blueberries right now. I roasted some almonds with Borsari seasoned salt. And, I made a sweet-and-salty primal trail mix. Chris hard-boiled some eggs. I bought an oversized bag of baby carrots. Primal snacks abound. Let's eat!

This past week has been one of the busiest and most stressful weeks, workwise. I spend a lot of time at my computer for work, and when I'm done working, I want to move around, go outside, cook something. I don't want to spend more time at my computer.

I'm happily surprised at how well I was able to keep up with my diet during this busy week. I did have two cheat days, but they were scheduled cheat days, set at the beginning of the year. One was because I knew that I wanted to make the best poundcake ever for a work-related party/meeting. This poundcake recipe is a favorite of mine, and is the antithesis of paleo. Unfortunately, I did not confine my cheat to just a piece of the poundcake. Once I allowed a cheat, it was easy to justify other cheats (a slice of pizza, from one of my favorite pizzerias). This was one cheat day.

The next cheat day, also predetermined, happened to be the very next day, so I guess you could call it a 36-hour binge. I was at the theater all day long for a performance. I provided the food for the performers and staff, and included lots of primal-friendly foods: meats, cheeses, hard-boiled eggs, a veggie tray (that I threw out b/c it smelled bad), nuts, and a variety of fruits.

I started out the day right, with fruit and a hard-boiled egg. But I had also baked lots of goodies and comfort food for the performers, and I had to try a bite of everything I made, to make sure everything tasted good enough to share (cranberry-walnut bread, chocolate-cinnamon bread, ham and cheese pinwheels, spinach and roasted red pepper pinwheels, haystacks, Rice Krispy treats).

There was also a chocolate bowl, full of mini-size candy bars, and treats brought by performers. Each time I walked by the food table, I looked longingly at the chocolate bowl, and found myself lingering close to the table, and finally hovering over the bowl. Finally, I took a Reese's cup and a Snickers, so I could leave the food area and get back to work.

So, my cheatin' days are over, at least until the next scheduled cheat day. I'm actually pretty happy with how well I contained my dalliances, and how easy it was to get back on track. I don't think I'm far enough along in my primal ways that a cheat of such magnitude would make me feel bad, sick, bloated, sluggish, etc. I hear that's what happens, but I felt fine. Great, even.

Sleep? No. I was up late last night baking (stress relief. I didn't eat any of the delicious-smelling baked goods.) and then couldn't turn off my mind to go to sleep. I wouldn't let myself look at the clock, so I don't know exactly how little sleep I got. It was way under the 8-9 hours I would like to sleep.

Diet? Doubt it. Although what I eat is not objectionable (well, according to primal standards. Vegetarians are lighting incense and vegans are vomiting at the amount of animals I'm consuming), I'm not eating enough of it. I tend to skip meals a lot, because I get busy and forget to eat. This is something I need to work on.

Peaceful, easy feeling? Hardly. This has been an insanely busy week at work, in preparation for several big events in the next three days, on the tail of a really hectic month. My stress levels are probably the highest they've ever been. I'm generally a low-stress person, and I think I handle stress fairly well. This week has been overwhelming, though.

Caffeine? Maybe. I'm still drinking diet soft drinks (something I will cut out of my diet soon, but I couldn't face this month with no sources of fast energy!), but I'm no more caffeinated than usual.

I don't know what it is. I like it, and wish I knew how to recreate this feeling (naturally) at will. Maybe I have reached a delicate balance of exhaustion, under nourishment, stress and caffeination that results in this intoxicating bliss. One more Coke Zero may send me off into an exhilarating frenzy of madness.

I'd rather just fall asleep.

Hmmm.

I listened to The Jungle years ago on a long drive home from college. Reading about the horrors of slaughterhouses doesn't have the same effect as listening to it, or watching it. I gave up ground meat for almost five years after The Jungle.

Food, Inc. has a much broader scope, and what is resonating with me now is the food that our food eats. We feed cows, chickens, and now fish an unnatural diet of corn and grains to fatten them up, then dose them with antibiotics and medicine to keep them healthy enough to slaughter. It's not a far leap to consider the similarities in our own diet.

There aren't a whole lot of free range, grass fed, uncured meat options at the grocery store down the street. I live near a Whole Foods, which has more options, though it takes some sifting to figure out which healthy words on the packages are worth purchasing. But it is expensive.

When I consider how much meat I'll be eating this year, it makes me shudder to picture those cows covered in muck swinging from a hook and slamming into a wall. It also makes me cringe to think of the increased percentage of my income that will go to feeding my face. I have a freezer full of conventional chicken, bacon, steak. What to do?

I don't think I can afford to buy only the fancy meat at Whole Foods for the whole year, but I don't want to go to all this effort to eliminate grains from my diet, only to feast daily on grain-fed beasts.

The Polyface Farms has a buying club with a distribution location not too far from my house. It isn't that convenient, but it sure beats trying to tackle a deer in Rock Creek park. Immediately after watching Food, Inc., I emailed Polyface asking for a price sheet and more information about the buying clubs. I'm still waiting to hear back, but have high hopes that this will be a good solution.

Has anyone else seen this movie? What did you think?

As an aside: There was a part in the movie that confused me. In a chicken plant, there was a stream of little yellow cheeping chicks being carried along a conveyor belt. A person with gloves on would scoop up a chick, tap it's head against a metal plate and toss the zapped chick (dead, I presume) onto another belt of other zapped chicks. What's the purpose of that? Is there a market for chicks? I would think they would ship those suckers out to chicken houses to fatten up for food or egg laying. Thoughts?

My pantry is now full of nuts (walnuts, almonds, pecans) and coconut products (coconut flour, unsweetened shredded coconut, coconut oil, coconut milk). I have some bottles of condiments (soy sauce, liquid smoke, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco) that I'll keep around. I may not replace them when they're used up, but they're used so infrequently and in such small amounts that I don't think they add any significant amount of corn starch or high fructose corn syrup to my diet.

I must admit that I did keep a shelf of baking ingredients, including real flour and sugar. Baking is a hobby and a stress reliever. It's the one consistent time that I can forget about my To Do list, work, worries, obligations, and really relax, unwind, and clear my head.

In the past, I've stopped baking while following a paleo diet, but my stress and baking deprivation are the biggest reasons I fall off the paleo wagon. To be successful in this project, I think I need to figure out a way to incorporate baking. I'll experiment with paleo baking, for sure, and I hope that fulfills the stress-relieving role of baking. But I also like to bake for other people, and I doubt many people will be delighted to receive a package of Caveman Cookies, (I use blueberries, which makes my cookies turn out purple). So, for the time being, I'll keep my baking shelf, and hope I have enough willpower to not start baking for myself. I'm fairly confident I won't be tempted to start eating handfuls of raw sugar or flour!