blue artichoke

I used to think. About things. And ideas. I used to be smart. But I'm not anymore. I'm jaded and intellectually lazy.

Recently I sorted through a big plastic folder that held all my notes, handouts, essays and papers from college. I kept them in case I needed to reference something some day. Now I use those notes, handouts and papers as scrap printer paper. I flipped a few pages around to read what I had written and found papers comparing the economic reforms of the late 1980s in Mexico and Russia, detailing the best foreign policy strategy for China, applying the Confucian work ethic to economic development in Asia, delving into the themes of sacrifice in various works of fiction, and so on. I was an expert on the Cold War after college. I double-majored in political science and international relations. Now, I have very little interest in politics and have no idea what's going on in current events. I don't watch the news. I rarely read newspapers (print or online). Journalism school jaded me, and now I'm just another ignorant and uninformed American. I used to pay attention to the news, but I got too angry and stressed out. I made an effort to withdraw. I've been happier, sure, but I can't be content just reading cookbooks and food magazines. I get on kicks of reading nonfiction, so my mind hasn't completely lost it's ability to process new information. I do have a terrible memory, though, so the results of careful reading and investigation are soon lost. I once wrote a thesis about the plight of the gypsies. I won an award, with a cash prize and a plaque. I presented the paper. I don't know anything about gypsies anymore, other than they like to be called Roma and are offended by the slang term "gypped."

I also used to be a really good writer. So many of my essays have red ink praise written at the bottom. A few ask for copies to be used as writing samples. I read those papers now and am impressed with my own style and clarity, but don't recognize the writing as my own. My mind isn't as nimble. Even if I had all the information, I don't think I could write as eloquently now about Latin American privatization as I did then.

I think my biggest problem now is that I'm no longer curious. I prided myself on being able to get caught up in any topic, no matter how boring it seemed at first. I remember my military-industrial complex days. Who knew I could generate passion about tanks and submarines?

I'm trying to get it back, this curiosity and interest in the world around me. I want to care again about the things that matter, even if it means I sometimes get angry and stressed out. I'm easing my way in by picking a topic to research. I've been reading a lot about nutrition, but think I need something a little more theoretical.

Ideas? Seriously. This is your chance to take over my brain for the next few weeks. And don't you dare say the campaign. Political campaigns make me very angry. It's best for all involved if I withdraw from that conversation.

Go.